If you give a kid a pea … you’re gonna need a barf bag to go with it.

Let me state for the record that as a non-parent, my child knowledge stinks. 

Case in point…

I was invited to dinner with friends and their two adorable children. As a Southern gal with nice party manners, I was compelled to contribute to the meal. I took a beautiful bowl of fresh green peas from the farmer’s market. Because who doesn’t like lovely green peas?

As it turns out, kids.

Kids don’t like green shit on their dinner plate.  

Their parents demanded they sample the peas.  Someone should have played Taps. One child tested half a pea and commenced a grand mal seizure.  The other child exploded into hysterical wailing about projectile vomit and death.  Then she began to gag. I knew where she was going with this.  I once gave an Oscar worthy gag performance over a sweet potato.

I made the mistake of giggling and telling her that a single pea had never killed anyone. I think she might beg to differ. After she was excused from the table, I am certain she was scribbling plans for my murder in a glittered unicorn notebook.

In my defense, I had been told that these children liked green beans, so my kid dumb logic made the leap from green bean to pea.  Same thing, right? 

Sure it is, in the same way a dog turd is like an Oreo.

Clearly, I owe them some vegan banana ice cream.

See, I’m learning.