Shamed by AmEx

Adulting is hard. So is feeding yourself if you can’t cook.

And also you are lazy.

This is a transcript of the 10:34 AM call during which American Express shamed me to all hell and back.

Amex Lady: So it looks like the problem started in the last 3 weeks and there are an overwhelming number of charges to one specific retailer. Sometimes two to three and even four times a day.

Me: Seriously??? That’s weird! Like how many charges?

Amex Lady: So there are 41 charges over the last 17 days.

Me: What?! Oh my god that’s crazy! Where is this psycho going 41 times with my card???

Amex Lady: Whole Foods

Me: Oh…um….ok, um, yea that’s not fraud that’s me.

Amex Lady: So you do go to Whole Foods? I understand, but these are not charges for one person. These charges are very odd. I see most of the days have more than 2 charges per day.

Me: I know. It’s me.

Amex Lady: Are you sure? I don’t think that is possible. Let’s go through each charge one by one and see…

Me: No, we don’t need to do that.

Amex Lady: Ms. Williams, it doesn’t seem reasonable that all of these charges are yours. Let’s just walk through…

Me: No, it’s me. Listen, I live in different places and I don’t cook and it’s on the way home from the gym and they have a good salad bar but sometimes they don’t have roasted red peppers in which case I just get sushi or a green juice but then sometimes they put the peppers out later in the day so you need to go back and check and I never buy enough food for more than one meal because I don’t know what I’ll want to eat 4 hours from now and I can’t keep food in the house because I have zero will power and I’ll just eat everything plus I don’t really own any cooking equipment items because why spend money on stuff you’ll never use and I’m never gonna use a skillet and I’m so sorry I’m kind of a mess.

*Awkwardly long and painful silence*

Amex Lady: Ok, so you are POSITIVE that this is ALL you.

Me: Yes, I am positive.

Amex Lady: Ok then. Can I help you with anything else today?

Me: Does the Platinum concierge provide psychiatric services?

Amex Lady: No ma’am

Me: Ok. I’m good. Thanks.