How To Bag A Hot Doctor


So if word hasn’t reached you…

I am affianced!

The hot Urologist wants me to commit to hanging around on a permanent basis (he may have some issues).  This spring he came to visit me in NYC and on a cold gray Saturday in the park he bent the knee.  I responded, as any completely awkward lunatic would, with full radio silence.  He gave me a while before politely saying, “I need you to say SOMETHING.”  And that’s when I gave him the utterly romantic, “Okay.”  

Charming, party of one.

Marriage is not something I was ever particularly interested in, however, I am not interested in losing the amazing Urologist to a 22 year old Bumble enthusiast with butt implants so I have altered my position.  He has a job, great hair, and has never been to prison. He also hates cats as much as I do.  It’s a solid match.

When I told her the news, a gal pal from California asked me how it was that I managed to stay single for so long. Trust me, it isn’t hard when you employ the right tactics.

Have No Interest In Procreation

I mean, kids are A LOT. You have to feed them, clothe them, educate them, and apparently you can’t leave them in the car while you go into the grocery store. How on earth do you do life if they can’t sit in the car for a few hours? Plus explosive poop diapers are simply not in my wheelhouse.

Only Date Men Old Enough To Collect Social Security

I don’t like chicken wings and I don’t like flip flops. I like European vacations and evenings at the opera and those are funded by AARP members hunting a fifth wife. But as I’ve said, I don’t do diapers so this was never gonna work.

Spend Entire Adult Life Working In Professional Theater

Many things can happen in a relationship between creative folk: ego battles, therapy with healing crystals, losing yourself, finding yourself, and an inordinate number of juice cleanses. Things that don’t often happen? Paychecks and monogamy.

Eat Revolting Food Combinations

The sheer volume of ketchup that I consume is, as I have been told, alarming. Not to mention the gag-tastic flavor combos I create. Ketchup and pickles, ketchup and cheese, ketchup and ham sandwich. I’d eat a shoe if it was dipped in ketchup and it’s difficult to see that as marriage material.

But despite my best efforts to remain unmarried, the Urologist wants to lock this thing down.

Feel free to begin praying for him now.

May 30, 2020. The day we say, “Ok.”