Back To School


A young friend of mine is headed to high school this week.  Oh, the memories!  She asked me about my life in high school and how to make a good start.  Since I don’t have the ability to prescribe medication, I offered her this.

A playbook on how to be awesome in high school …


  • Strap on Mom-fit ankle-length Guess jeans and pair with your best DKNY clogs.  Since clogs don’t fit human feet, prepare to adopt a new walk entitled the Shitty Shoe Shuffle.


  • Use curling iron to strategically burn a hot dog shaped scar into forehead that won’t heal until Thanksgiving. 


  • Load up your Jansport backpack with every textbook you own and store it in the hallway.  Never use a locker for anything other than gum.


  • Go to the bathroom ONLY to reapply lipgloss.  Make at least one trip per class.


  • Apply mascara in the rearview mirror while driving to school as lil sis rides shotgun clinging to the door handle in fear.


  • Never eat lunch.  Except on chicken finger day.


  • Find a guy (preferably older and uninterested in your existence) to crush on and then develop a temporary stutter when coming within 10 yards of him.


  • Never take your backpack into the house.  Leave it in the car and tell your parents you did all homework in study hall.  Copy homework from a friend the next day.


  • Whatever advice your Mom gives, ignore it.  She’s insane and doesn’t know ANYTHING(P.S. That brown lipstick you are wearing is stunning)


  • After 8 hours spent talking to friends at school, go home and spend another 8 hours talking to the same friends about the same sh*t you just spent 8 hours talking about.


Bonne chance, mes amis!