Back To School
A young friend of mine is headed to high school this week. Oh, the memories! She asked me about my life in high school and how to make a good start. Since I don’t have the ability to prescribe medication, I offered her this.
A playbook on how to be awesome in high school …
- Strap on Mom-fit ankle-length Guess jeans and pair with your best DKNY clogs. Since clogs don’t fit human feet, prepare to adopt a new walk entitled the Shitty Shoe Shuffle.
- Use curling iron to strategically burn a hot dog shaped scar into forehead that won’t heal until Thanksgiving.
- Load up your Jansport backpack with every textbook you own and store it in the hallway. Never use a locker for anything other than gum.
- Go to the bathroom ONLY to reapply lipgloss. Make at least one trip per class.
- Apply mascara in the rearview mirror while driving to school as lil sis rides shotgun clinging to the door handle in fear.
- Never eat lunch. Except on chicken finger day.
- Find a guy (preferably older and uninterested in your existence) to crush on and then develop a temporary stutter when coming within 10 yards of him.
- Never take your backpack into the house. Leave it in the car and tell your parents you did all homework in study hall. Copy homework from a friend the next day.
- Whatever advice your Mom gives, ignore it. She’s insane and doesn’t know ANYTHING. (P.S. That brown lipstick you are wearing is stunning)
- After 8 hours spent talking to friends at school, go home and spend another 8 hours talking to the same friends about the same sh*t you just spent 8 hours talking about.
Bonne chance, mes amis!