Careful What You Wish For
I’m not saying the Epilady Trio was the worst Christmas gift I ever received…oh wait, yes it was. And I begged for it. Be careful what you wish for people.
This contraption was my pre-teen dream. I was introduced to the Epilady in the pages of People magazine and during the commercial breaks of Diff’rent Strokes. The ads were awesome. Gorgeous models laughing, drinking champagne, and showing off their hairless stems on the hood of a Rolls Royce. Who wouldn’t want to get in on that?
At the time, I maintained some seriously misplaced ambitions for a glorious career in teen modeling. My mom wasn’t helping me on this quest. Her insistence on my having a perm for the criminally insane is evidence enough. I was going to have to go this road alone. Well, just me and my Epilady.
I put it numero uno on my list for Santa.
I wonder what my parents / Santa were thinking as they purchased me an adult hair removal device and a Teddy Ruxpin in the same go. It cannot have boded well. I snatched the Epilady from under the Christmas tree and took it straight upstairs to charge. I was jacked, this was it.
Modeling career is a go.
I passed out on my bathroom floor 30 seconds in. I am certain the inventors of the Epilady were a) men and b) of modest intellect. Who else would have created a device that ripped out leg hair ONE AT A TIME with a mysteriously slow cadence. And it sounded like a miniature chainsaw.
I am not much of a rule follower but this is one instance in which I am supremely happy that I did both read and follow. The Epilady instruction booklet warned repeatedly against using the Epilady on any area other than your legs. This was solid advice. If this machine locked onto your bikini line, your only shot at survival would be a medically induced coma.
Years later I read that the Epilady had sold like gangbusters during that one Christmas season and then a few months later women were screaming with outrage over the pain. Vindication. It wasn’t just eleven-year-old-me, grown ass women couldn’t handle this tool de beautè.
I’m not sure what’s on your list this year, but if I were you, I’d keep it simple.
Lifetime supply of Chocolate.