My New Life As A Stay At Home Mom: Chapter 2 - The Park

Day 2

This morning I succeeded in producing an acceptable breakfast for the petites; oatmeal Pop’s way for one and eggs with the cheese NOT mixed in for the other. No one was interested in any further attempts at toast. Luckily there were no assaults and no tantrums over TV. I was able to retreat to my room long enough to apply the 6 liters of sunscreen necessary for a trip out of doors.

Today’s Outing:The Park

I don’t like taking kids to the park.It’s mega boring. I’d rather take them to lunch at a restaurant of my choosing or to Neiman Marcus. But I am trying to be cool. Their choice was Chastain Park which houses a playground that has been refurbished with upwards of $2 million. How or why you would blow that wad on a jungle gym eludes me. This place must be parked on top of a diamond mine.

I thought the park would be a relatively straightforward activity. I am now 0 - 1000.

Problems With The Park

Dress Accordingly

Forego all normal adult human clothing in favor of body armor and combat boots. Children may wear anything that doesn't smell like a loaded diaper. A child ensemble of Santa hat, bathing suit, and last year's dance recital costume is perfectly acceptable.

Death Valley

If I lit myself on fire and then checked into a sauna wearing a full-length mink coat, I would not be this hot. If any of you prayer warriors need a new topic I suggest Global Cooling.

My Left Shoe

If a child loses a shoe amidst the spiderweb - rope burn - fun zone, let it go.

Because, man, it’s gone.

Slides Are No Longer Slides

In an attempt to usher in a new era of slide, a team of former NASA scientists created a system of plastic rollers that launch the rider downhill while simultaneously inducing sciatic nerve pain. File this under reasons NASA is no longer funded.

Rookie Moms Are a Spectator Sport

Seasoned stay at home moms park themselves decidedly away from both children and equipment and relax in giving no fucks whatsoever. The Lululemon-clad army of snack monitors breaks from playing iPhone only to mock the ignorant novice.

To the lady who took my photo as I made chase in a pair of what are now quite distressed Miu Mius, eff you and your Instagram account. #sisterhood

Throw Some Shade

I beg you, give to us some shade. $2.8 million dollars and they could not buy a tree. For 2.8 you could have encased this kiddie  nirvana in an air-conditioned bubble, geniuses.

Don’t Turn the Crank

Turning the crank sets off a silent alarm beckoning all children to the crank operated activity. As more and more children board the apparatus and scream for you to “turn faster” you will come to a deep understanding of the serious issues of child obesity facing the nation. I am looking at you Mr. Cheetos Mustache - Milk Gut.

Adult Participation: Don’t Do It

As an adult, your participation should end promptly upon passing the threshold of the playground. All attempts to “play with” children will end in gruesome playground injuries. Not theirs, yours. Unless you spy an eyeball dangling from its socket, do NOT go in there.

My sister asked me how the day went and I couldn’t tell her. I don’t know if people had fun; I’m not sure if anyone ate food or used the toilet; I think they were both in the car when we returned home but I wouldn’t put money on it. I have a faint memory of lying atop a foam roller and doing some Aleve but that could have been a hallucination.

Apparently in some stupor, I promised them a giant surprise activity for tomorrow.

What was I thinking...