My New Life as a Stay At Home Mom: Chapter 1 - Observations


Tuesday marked the beginning of my tenure as a Stay At Home Mom. You should know that I have no children, have no desire to have children, and am wholly unqualified to parent. Chalk it up to selfishness, a severe phobia of weight gain, an OCD obsession will high heels, and a general dislike for eating in cars. The only person crazy enough to offer me the role of Stay At Home Mom is my otherwise wildly intelligent sister. In her defense, she was desperate.


Due to a snafu in the planned summer childcare calendar, Camp Aunt Cat has now commenced. For 1 week I will be entrusted with the heath and welfare of my adorably spirited nieces. I thought this was gonna be an easy gig. But several hours in I found myself in the half bath crying in a fetal position. At the end of day one, I can report that they are both still alive with no visible wounds. I, however, am fairly certain I am bleeding internally.


Observations from Day 1

Do Not Offer Assistance

Children do not want your help. They want to spend three hours not accomplishing a task on their own. Your help will only “mess them up.”


Toast Can Be Too Toasted

Whether or not a piece of toast is too toasted is dependent upon the current mood of the child. If the toast is deemed too toasted, it is inedible. Inedible toast may be cried over, tossed to the floor, or hurled at the toast maker. If the toast is burned, brace for impact.


It Is Ill-Advised to Mix Foods

If a child requests cheese with her scrambled eggs, she does NOT mean for you to scramble the cheese INTO the eggs. “Mixed-in cheese” is what led to the Chernobyl disaster.


The Secret Life of Mermaid Barbies

Do not be duped by the knockoff mermaid Barbie dolls at your local dollar store.  These are not toys but rather dangerous instruments of warfare with poorly attached legs.  The innocuous looking dolls can be used in ambush assaults and ensure significant head trauma.  The pop off legs function as weapons-grade eye-pokers.

side note: The US Government has recently signed a deal to purchase millions of legless dollar store Barbies for use in combat in the Middle East. The campaign has been nicknamed Project Ariel.  


Do Not Do It Your Way

This is not Burger King. Pop’s way is good; Grandmommie’s way is better; Mommie’s way is the best. Your way is terrible. I dare you to try to substitute flax milk for regular milk. Good luck, fool.


The Smell Test

Carefully smell all garments put forth by the child. A 3-year-old will offer up a dress that, to the naked eye, appears clean yet has in fact been worn and soiled several days prior. Or peed upon. Allowing a child to go out in public in a dress issuing the distinct fragrance of days old urine is frowned upon. Or so I learned.


Retaliation Is Proportional To Urination

Asking a child to refrain from hitting the other child will result in retaliation, and that retaliation will come in the form of tee tee (piss for you non-Southerners). The tee tee will occur directly beside the potty on the floor. You, the stay-at-home-mom, will think the toilet is leaking and call a plumber. But that’s just a child giving you the finger.


Listening Is An Unpopular Activity

Especially when it pertains to things such as turning off the television and picking up toys. Thus begins the foot stomping and gnashing of teeth.


Please Purchase Enough Legos

And by enough, I mean 100,000 pieces per child.


Children Have A Deep Aversion To High-Quality Merchandise

A child will inevitably poo poo the fabulous frock you purchased in one of New York’s finest department stores and opt instead for an item purchased out of necessity at a rural Mississippi Wal Mart.  3 years ago.

I am tired, bruised, cold, and hungry.  But tomorrow is another day!  I plan to take my tiny charges on a timeless and delightful outing to the park.  Seriously, what could possibly go wrong…