You Kids Suck At Halloween

Halloween 1987. Laser focused on the prize. Kid sister in tow.

Halloween 1987. Laser focused on the prize. Kid sister in tow.

Dear Kids of Today,

Ya’ll Suck at Halloween.

Last night I went to join some of my best friends and their children for an exciting and glorious Halloween trick or treating adventure.  And all I can say is, wow.  I have never seen a worse display. 


Back in my day, Halloween was a sacred event.  We spent weeks ahead of time planning, scheming, and mapping out the neighborhoods.  There was strategy.  We were a tiny army of Navy Seals preparing for a raid.  When the sun fell, we hit the streets.  Hard.  


There simply was no whining involved, we couldn’t spare the time to address grievances.  Halloween night is a race against the clock to see how many houses you can hit before the front porch lights are turned off.  Run goddammit!  That could be a Snickers house!


No one drove our team around in a golf cart.  We used our god given legs to make tracks.  Halloween is a test of your endurance.  This is what your A hole PE teacher has been training you for in that 50 yard dash.  Speed and agility, it’s go time.


We certainly did not carry coolers of refreshment, the weight of extra gear would have slowed our roll. This is Halloween, not Afghanistan.  You will make it 2 hours without a canteen.  If you’re stroking out from dehydration, get your face up in some lady’s garden hose and move on. 


Costume malfunction? You can’t take it off, friend.  You gotta stay strapped in for the duration or you won’t get squat. You dress up, people give you candy.  Hold up your end of the bargain or you’re a traitor to the cause. 


I just don’t understand what has happened to Halloween.  In my youth, we were not served dinner or treats before hand.  Dinner was whatever you were able to score on your run.  And no one was sharing.  The terrain we covered spanned zip codes, you guys made it 2 blocks.  My childhood crew was like a pack of hyenas screaming through the hood hell bent on one all consuming mission…FILL THE BAG.  These fools came home with maybe a quarter of the plastic pumpkin full.  Pathetic.  At some point, a kid looked me dead in the face and told me that her parents could just get her some more candy at the CVS tomorrow.  And then the future evaporated before my eyes.


Mark my words, you guys will be the first to go during the zombie apocalypse. You don’t have the commitment to survive.