Owie in Maui
The self-righteous shall receive their comeuppance! Mine arrived last week in Maui. I think we are all aware of my obsessive participation in sun protection. Oh we’re not?
I AM OBSESSIVE ABOUT SUN PROTECTION.
I have the skin of an albino seal and proceed to live my life as a vampire. Three hours ago I almost came to blows with a restaurant hostess who tried to seat me at a table near a window.
I come by this compulsion honestly, both my parents avoid the sun like the plague. Case in point, here's Dad on the beach in Panama donning full length pants, hat, and scarf, and Mom fully mummified attempting some kind of yard work. Sun, thou shalt not find us.
Hard to believe but my sun aversion is getting progressively worse. I have invested in a wardrobe of sun protective shirts and hats. And I have some freakish little gloves I wear while driving.
Last week in Maui I broke out my new face-kini. It’s a UPF 50+ swimmable ski mask situation painted up like a cat face.
The dude at the towel dispensary at the Montage voiced his concern that instead of picking up a towel, I might be there to do a B and E job.
5 days ago I took off on an epic hike beginning atop the Haleakala crater summit on the island of Maui. At an altitude of almost 10,000 feet it was dark, cloudy, and cyclone windy. I was securely strapped into my very unfashionable sun gear and hiking shoes.
The only exposed flesh being the small space between the end of my ALO Yoga capri pants and the top of my socks. How completely smug and confident I was in my vestments of sun blockage! I returned to the glorious Montage high on my 13.2 miles of hiking achievement. I emerged from my sweat-soaked dirt stained clothing still looking like a bottle of White Out.
Well, except for what looked like two knee high stockings the color of dynamite.
Calves en fuego! I think I missed a spot. My skin feels like I fought a dragon and lost.
No sunscreen, no glory, friends.
I will be stepping up my game and taking no further chances. I plan to channel Nigella Lawson and cover up the whole damn shebang. Look for me on the beach this summer in one of these. I'll be hard to miss.