A Lack of Garden Prowess

I think it’s a lot of bluster when people perky chat about ‘trying new things.’

“I love to try new things!” they say. 

Do you?  I don’t.  I like to continue doing things I already know how to do, things at which I present at least a modicum of skill.  However, I have tried some new things during this quarantine saga. Last week I attempted yard working.

The only reason I made any attempt at lawn maintenance is because our neighborhood has some Stepford issues.  I received an urgent text from my sweet neighbor alerting me to the fact that we might be subjected to a nasty letter in our mailbox due to the state of our beds. Yikes.

To avoid opening our mailbox to a pile of flaming poo or a meany-pants letter, I was stuck attempting to de-weed as a party of one.  I donned my blue Playtex kitchen gloves, my sun protective gear, hiking shoes, and marched myself out the front door to begin the process of ‘weeding’ (aka ripping green bits from the dirt and discarding them into a black Hefty bag). I liberated a rather large pile.  Upon closer examination, some were weeds and some were tulips.  The tulips might have been a mistake.

A couple of hours in, I peeked out from under my golf umbrella-sized sun hat to catch my wonderful neighbor, Lissa, striding across the yard toting a hazard-colored machine with a long cord.  A power tool! It looked lethal and exciting. I love a good emergency room.

She said I could “do the hedges” with it.  I was so grateful for her help, her 6 feet away company, and her gift of Diet Coke, I couldn’t bear to ask what she meant about the hedges.  She already knows I am domestically disabled, no need to confirm I am also yard dumb.

I went to work on the hedges … doing what, I am not altogether sure.  The power tool seemed to operate like a wildly vibrating industrial slicer. I dragged it over the hedges murdering any potential growth. I waved and sliced until my back was in need of medical grade traction.  I came dangerously close to severing the extension cord more than once and each time Lissa gasped and giggled.

I have seen Lissa work this tool; it’s damn impressive.  If there was a “So You Think You Can Yard” show, Lissa would win.  Nary a twig is out of place at her house. Meanwhile, over here at Grey Gardens…

I scalped our hedges for 3 solid hours sending leaves and shrub debris flying. I am not sure what I accomplished; our sad display of hedge now slopes in all the wrong directions.  But it is shorter.  And we are now tulip free.

Nothing came in the mailbox other than the latest issue of Town and Country. Oddly, not one woman in there is operating a chainsaw in her Louboutins.