Fall Display Fail


Well, I have failed. Again. This time I have failed at my first ever fall display.

What is a fall display you may ask?

Fall Display. noun. A grouping of items that “Just Say Fall!” collected and assembled into a seasonal stage picture adorning a front porch, back porch, or yard. Must include mums.

Diane posing with 2019 back door fall display.

Diane posing with 2019 back door fall display.

For Diane, fall displays are non-negotiable. Thus far I have been able to successfully opt out because, according to Diane, NYC and LA are oddball places where people don’t know squat about appropriate seasonal decor (i.e. no mums).

For the record, I hate mums. I think they are the saddest, most unattractive flowers going. I get that they are ubiquitous this time of year and maybe they do say “fall,” but they also say “this is an ugly a$$ bucket of flower weeds.”

Around August Diane begins to shop, scheme, and collect. Items in her fall displays may include, but not be limited to: pumpkins, tiny misshapen gourds, tall grasses, and mums. Occasionally she’ll throw in a ceramic of some kind because she likes to party.

In my new role of “engaged adulating lady in free standing home”, I felt compelled to make a fall display. Mostly because I can’t get my packages. We are in the process of decorating but thus far we are at zero furniture. This lack of furniture lead to absolutely NONE of our packages being dropped this week because the FedEx guy decided our house was vacant. I decided to build a fall display because we need our Amazon sh**.

And I thought Diane would be thrilled.

My target was the outdoor pumpkin buffet at the corner of Granny White Pike and some elementary school. I drove up and I loaded up. I bought one million dollars worth of pumpkins, gourds, tiny triumvirates of dried up corn (what are these things?), and two giant purple mums.

I sent this photo to Diane, and stood by in anticipation of the thunderous applause to come.

I received this instead.

Apparently PURPLE mums are for the uninformed and deranged. The only acceptable mum colors for fall displays are yellow, orange, burgundy, and something she calls ‘copper’ which is some kind of two tone flavor. Purple mums are for morons like me.

My fall display is pathetic. I have zero artistic design ability. My weird purple mums live in nondescript plastic coffins and my pumpkin stacking has no vision. But as I am incapable of keeping plants alive, Diane can take solace in the knowledge that they’ll all be dead soon.

My only hope is that my flop of a fall display will facilitate the delivery of my shampoo order. Someone’s hair is beginning to stink.

Hooray for Fall. Mums the word.

And I am serious…what are we doing with these???