The Wedding Chronicles: Experiments With Food


It is open season on wedding planning. And already, all evidence points to this being more difficult than expected. 

We went to a food tasting with a fancy caterer. She asked me what my favorite foods were and I hesitated.  Luckily, the Hot Urologist answered for me.  “She likes ketchup, pickles, and tomatoes with vinegar.”  I saw the light go out of her eyes.

Everyone, including the Hot Urologist, agreed that we should offer some traditional Southern style dishes. However, I am not the biggest fan of the cuisine of my childhood.

I always thought that Southern food was made of various hues of warm mush topped with pulverized Ritz crackers.  Not so.  Southern food is wrapped in bacon.  Apparently, you can wrap absolutely anything in bacon and make it a food.  Same goes for frying.    

High on the list of Southern menu items?  Meat.  Low on the list?  Vegan options.   Both Diane and the wedding planner told me that if I served only vegetables at this glorious event someone named Ricky Bobby would use his god given firearm to shoot me from the window of an F-150.  They are probably right.  So we have decided to compromise on fried salad and bacon wrapped tofurkey.

I thought we could just have some punch and cake.  Overruled!  There must be stations.  The only thing I like from a station is a pickle and no one seemed interested in encouraging guests to go tong fishing in a giant glass jar. As the caterer waxed philosophical, I came to understand that a ‘station’ is a DIY food project. Party-goers want to roll their own sushi, top their own mashed potatoes, and build their own taco.  Do they?  I find that most people don’t even want to tuck in their own shirts.

I am leaving the edibles to the Hot Urologist (who, incidentally, is Italian, a fancy foodie, and an excellent cook himself), the wedding planner, the caterer, and Diane.  I’ll rejoin the conversation when they get to cake. I’m good at cake, not ceviche.

I am hopping a plane to NYC to refocus on what a wedding truly celebrates...