The Wedding Chronicles: By Invitation Only



I need to clarify my understanding of “invitations.”  

I have been living under the erroneous idea that a wedding invitation was a series of papers … a paper put into another paper (often called an envelope), stamped, and distributed by the United States Postal Service. Not even close. Invitations have gone rogue, upped their game, and taken a header off a steep cliff.  

My initial calls about wedding invites were to two celebrated couture paper companies in NYC.  The first requested a detailed narrative of my wedding plans including photographs of the venue. They then suggested watercolors. A complete invitation “suite” would include each and every invitation being individually painted by hand. The artist could be available to travel to the venue and paint the invitations on site capturing the true essence of the scene, but at additional cost.  I told them I wasn’t sure we needed the watercolors since I am still in possession of my old splatter paint wheel. And splatter paint does feel a bit more like me.

They offered luxury papers ranging in weight from cardboard box to slice of tree. Papers could be engraved, struck by lightning, or inked with the blood of my enemies.  It was all so exciting, what to choose!  I received the estimate and have chosen a Birkin. Actually, the Birkin will be cheaper. 

The next paper palace was interested in my theme. Was I celebrating old Hollywood glam?  The Belle Epoque? Peacocks?  I thought the theme of a wedding was, wait for it, …WEDDING. Oh honey, no. To avoid appearing out of step, I launched into an unrehearsed diatribe on my non-existent theme: a storybook fairytale epic of moonlight and magnolia with a side order of Pirates of the Caribbean. Two days later I received a thesis containing the descriptive details of my custom wedding invitations entitled ‘Message in a Bottle.’  A handblown Venetian glass bottle containing a floating magnolia blossom brushed with liquid gold would be delivered to my guests.  No information was forthcoming as to where the actual information was to reside. And it seemed rude to ask. 

Can we not simply deliver paper?  Paper with data regarding time to show up and where?  Possibly a dress code?  

I am a simple girl.  I only need wedding invitations made of paper. Just beautifully elegant papers that have been crafted from the wood of a Banyan tree, pulped and pressed by the hands of a minotaur on the isle of Crete. 

There’s no need to shove them in a bottle. I’m not crazy.